An entire year without Umphrey’s McGee doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to a regular concert goer. But for someone like me (someone who eats, sleeps and breathes UM), it seemed like the longest of my 25 years of life. Today marks one year since I have seen Umphrey’s McGee live in concert. The band that I travel around the country for and try to see at least once a month has been absent in my life for an entire year. This is the longest time frame that I have gone without seeing them since I started my UM journey back in 2014. The band still made sure to bring us music but my goal that I had set for myself of hitting twenty shows in 2020 came to a sudden halt. I put away my ear plugs and my UM fanny pack and tucked away my source of joy for one whole year (and counting).
But my year without live UM was not an “UM-less year.” The band and the crew worked hard to keep a circulation of music for their fans. As fans, we were able to experience this new era of Umphrey’s. We were able to witness a piece of UM history as they learned to play music under the new temporary circumstances that hopefully will leak into their musical rotation as they merge back into touring again. Whether it was a live stream, a drive-in show, a Friday night Wine Not or online lessons/hangouts, Umphrey’s made sure to make it clear that they were not taking a hiatus during this time. Although it may not have been the busy hectic tour life that we are all used to, they still gave us something to look forward to with keeping the spirit of live music, well, alive!
At first, I didn’t let myself think about how much I missed them. I didn’t want my brain to tumble down the rabbit hole of what the year could have been. But, as the time went on, the hurt and longing for them slowly crept up into my everyday life. I couldn’t deny the truth anymore. I, like everyone else in this community, was hurting. I want to be straight with you all because I know that we are all in the same boat. I am not doing O.K.! A huge part of my life was taken away from me and it’s made me reflect on a lot. I view an UM concert as a therapy session. A place where I can leave my worries behind as I walk through those venue doors. A place I can escape from my regular life and feel at peace. I miss every part of going to see show. Even the not-so-fun parts, like the ticket anxiety we get from trying to snag those pre-sale tickets. I would give anything in the world to be able to shoo away that drunk guy who is trying to steal my rail spot that I waited in line for several hours to get. Guys……. I even miss the wooing.
A greater hurt than the lack of live music from this whole mess is all of the people that I am used to seeing on a regular basis on tour. All of my friends, my family, I have not seen the faces of in a year. People that would run up to me in the middle of a huge sweaty crowd and give me the biggest hugs are now icon bubbles in the corner of my computer screen. The void in my life that all of my phreaks used to fill is now a gaping hole of reality and a huge reason why I didn’t go to any of the drive-in shows. I wasn’t going to be able to hug my friends and that was sort of a deal breaker for me. But the sense of community has not gone anywhere. In a sense, it has grown stronger. We have all come together in this time in honor of keeping the umph-love active in the world through many acts of kindness. We are working together to not only show our love for this band but also for each other and that truly has been a powerful force that has helped me get through this.
A lot of people in my “regular” life don’t understand just what it is that I miss so much. If anyone knows me at all, they know that I am constantly talking about, planning on, or in the process of going on a run of tour. I get an array of responses from people when I try to express my feelings about not being able to see UM play a show. I have gotten responses like “oh yeah, I miss going to see shows too. I always try to hit at least one a year.” What they don’t get is that I’m not just casually going to see a band play. I pretty much base my whole year around their tour dates and am trying to make a career out of what they have produced. I get that they are trying to relate to me, but it is not the same feeling. Or I get this look of complete confusion and judgement when I say that I’m upset about a part of me being gone. But the biggest misfortune is having no one to talk to presently in my life about what I am going through. Because in a sense, I am coping with a loss, just like we all are.
One amazing thing that was able to happen for me in 2020 was creating Conduit Magazine. Some of you may know that Sara and I started an electronic magazine about UM last year! The journey through this process has been, well, riveting to say the least. It’s been a huge outlet for me and has helped me focus on something bigger. Honestly, if I didn’t have Sara, the magazine or this blog, I probably would have gone off the deep end. But even from a distance (of at least 6 feet), Umphrey’s still has given me something worth dying for and something to work towards. Researching and listening to shows, talking about it with Sara and some other phreaks, writing about it and putting together something not only for myself but for all of you as well has been something that I am beyond grateful for. I don’t think I can fully put into words what this whole journey has done for me.
For this month’s issue, we decided to listen back through all the Valentine’s shows that UM has played. I started in 1999 and the last one that I have to listen to is my very last run with Umphrey’s McGee (Asheville, NC, 2/14-15/20), ironic, huh? It was a difficult task. I was caught between two feelings. I was excited to re-listen to these shows because it had been a while since I did and I also was eager to hear how they comply with the other Valentine’s shows. But I also had a reluctance towards wanting to listen to them because I knew it was going to be emotional. Remembering what parts of each jam that made my jaw drop. Remembering the faces my friends and I made at each other as we got our first “Eat.” My very first umVIP show. These shows got me amped up for the stellar year that I had planned but never ended up happening. So, I had many different emotions going into these shows, but I jumped in head first anyway.
Listening to these shows in this exact moment of my life was majorly important for my mental stability because I was reminded of my mind set before the pandemic hit and I was reminded of all the lessons and feelings that UM has given and continues to give to me. I cried at times of course but a lot of it was happy tears as I was reminiscing about the weekend. It was, after all, a great weekend! It was Umphrey’s in Asheville, NC on Valentine’s day with a double opening act (Empire Strikes Brass and Billy Strings) and a sold-out show on the last night. Yeah, they blew the roof off that Arena (that has a different name every time they play there). I had forgotten how amazing these two shows were. The Friday night show (Valentine’s Day) had some of the best jams that I have ever witnessed live. I would even go as far as saying that may be my favorite live show that I have seen of UM.
Listening back to these shows helped my healing process. A lot of things have changed in my life. Things that I won’t go into now, but after a year of living a different life with no tour, no weekends away, no live Umphrey’s, a shift in energy was bound to take place. I was listening back to the show that sent me off into quarantine with a different perspective than I had when I had first heard and dissected it. I took a lot of messages with me from these shows. And I have noticed different messages that I have picked up along my journey of coping with this. The great thing about Umphrey’s is that each song is important to each umphreak for different reasons. For example: someone loves this song because these lyrics mean this to them but it may mean something completely different to the person they’re standing next to. Yet, there they both are, singing along with Bayliss and probably crying a little over the same song. One of my favorite lyrics that Bayliss wrote is “I’m only trying to pass on words you need to hear, the explanation is up to you” from the song “No Diablo.” The words that are sung relay a different message to everyone listening but still manage to bring them all together and that is a powerful thing to behold. Those messages that I took helped keep my head lifted and my sights set on something grander. There has got to be something bigger and better waiting for us on the other side, right? We have all overcome a huge change in our lives and are living through a traumatic period of time. But one thing that hasn’t changed is our love for this band.
I will leave you all with this memory, since it is my last memory of Umphrey’s live in concert. It was the encore of the very last night of the run (2/15). They had just played four amazing shows and I was super tired having gone to three of them and I was driving back home to Virginia the next morning. They came out on stage and after a whole weekend of melting our faces off with pure rock and roll, they chose to play the newer, softer tune, “Half Delayed.” (Side note: This song was not a favorite of mine when it first came out. I’m not sure what it was but it didn’t make it’s way up into my favorites right away. But after hearing it a few times live, like the time they played it at the Tabernacle with the snow falling from the ceiling, and actually listening to the lyrics, it quickly made it's way into my heart). When they started the opening riff, a huge smile spread across my face. I can remember looking from one side of the stage to the next, starting at Jake side. As I approached Bayliss, he caught my eye and gave me just as big of a smile back to me. That smile with that song has stayed in my brain throughout this entire time. I took that as them telling me that everything is going to be O.K. There is something far greater waiting for us beyond all of this. And Umphrey’s will be there waiting for us on the other side.
Written by Leah Wolford
Edited and revised by Ryan Whitacre
Picture captured by Dave Levene of Levene Photographers on 2/15/20 in Asheville, NC
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